|
Hojat Bodaqi
Translated by
Saghi Ghahraman
This pain belongs to my hand or my hand to this bizarre pain
question mark Skin of my hand is murkier then Ziba’s It is
hairier too But both Ziba and I have a beauty-mark on our
arms on the outer side and exactly a hand lower then the
shoulder-tip Mine measured with my own hand and Ziba’s with
hers I forgot to write on which of the hands the pain reported
itself exclamation mark Ziba tells me she can’t put me out of
her mind even while reading a book According to her using these
exclamation marks means I’m too dumb exclamation mark Maybe I’m
not dumb but I look so much like an exclamation mark with an
imaginary dot under my feet My Doctor says there is a big
difference between the right hand and the left when it comes to a
creature like this pain He is right The difference is more
obvious when I’m in a fight When I strike the first blow with
my right I’m sure to win but when I lead with my left I get the shit
kicked out of me I share with Doctor my theory on this
Doctor this pain might have been born with me I have never
trusted my left hook Ziba says thank god I wasn’t there
dummy I would lose or gain four pounds just as the words came
out of your mouth Unlike me who could use at least sixty
seventy extra pounds Ziba is well proportioned She is
voluptuous and all she can think of is being a model I say
Doctor the pain is not like when it started First time I had it
my heart skipped a beat Doctor says do you have a history
question mark Ziba sat by my pillow tears larger than her large
eyes rolled down her cheeks She was afraid to touch me
Sobbing she said it’s your stomach poor schmuck You drink too
much damn rotgut And the same old threat followed
comma If you don’t stop drinking I’ll go lie under the
bridge by the terminal and give it away to all comers Beside
the b e a u t y m a r k this is the only thing we share
As outrageously as I enjoy my booze she looks at life through the
window of copulation She says the way I drink day and night is
as bad as her splaying her legs under the terminal bridge where the
trash-pickers crack-heads pick-pockets drivers’ boys hang out
letting the whole bunch jump her Of course I wouldn’t dare talk
so shamelessly about her My precious comma my beautiful Ziba
why don’t you speak your own part Like the times when I’m so
drunk that I confuse the walls with the ceilings and you say hey
shitface exclamation mark what kind of fun is this question mark
what if I go under the terminal bridge spread my legs and let those
filthy bums stick it in until I’m ripped and raw My hand my
hand my hand what can I do with this no good stump of bone I’ve been
dragging along for hundreds of years I say Doctor what do you
mean history Doctor says well things like arthritis or
accidents or breaking your neck Have you had any No not at
all I say I have no soul and my nerves are frayed dot dot
dot I think I am losing it Doctor looks at me and bursts
out laughing Ziba calls me crazy cunt It’s different when
girls say crazy cunt Boys can not say it like that When
girls say crazy cunt you just want to eat them whole The air
gets filthy before a boy blurts out crazy cunt yep comma She
says hey crazy cunt what do you mean you have no soul Then I
pause to get over the thrill I get from this beautiful dialogue and
from her big beautiful eyes and her bee-stung lips and I say well I
don’t have one What’s the use of it You drop dead and
every one gets up and calls you the Blessed Soul and Ziba
puts her hands over her ears shuts her eyes before I finish my words
and shouts get out of here and I don’t know why question mark
exclamation mark Doctor says what kind of pain clutches your
heart Let me explain Doctor I was lying down watching my
favorite comedy show laughing one of those laughs that makes Ziba
say This laughter of yours fools not only a moron like me but also
the craftiest of women She says it especially when my bare body
is lying on top of her bare body and I’m panting right in her
ear Oh sorry Doctor I shouldn’t have said that Doctor says
who is Ziba I say I don’t know Doctor maybe she is my wife
double exclamation mark I go on I was laughing one of
those laughs blah blah blah All of a sudden a patch on the
left side of my chest was pulled hard from the inside A cold
claw tried to pull it back out Sorry Doctor this phrase turned
out too romantic But we must find out what the hell is wrong
with me The pain is like those plastic devices with a
string The ones that thieves stick to a pane of the window and
pull and only that part of the glass is cut out Ziba says did
you say all that claptrap to Doctor I say you little fool
didn’t you say that’s how to talk to shrinks Didn’t you tell me
to explain everything Ziba says Pinocchio became human but you
haven’t Doctor says okay go on So what if I am not
human Sorry Doctor go on what telling you about Ziba or
about my pain Doctor laughs gently and says whichever I feel
like Ziba says you should be ashamed you are so ballsy
Very well Doctor After a couple of minutes my body was stiff
and remained taut I couldn’t breathe I couldn’t do a thing I
saw Ziba sitting there looking over my head I felt my eyes
glisten and a few tears roll down Doctor says and then
what And then it was gone I remained like that for a few
minutes then the pain started slowly in my chest and in my left arm
again I got up and gulped down a Valium Doctor says why
Valium Why didn’t you take a spoonful of Maalox Ziba
says you see idiot I told you it was your stomach Doctor you
think it’s my stomach too question mark All the trouble in my
relationship with Ziba is in my fucking gut Can we get rid of
it Doctor laughs comma meaning what do you want me to do I
don’t know Doctor I’ve heard that lesbians take out their
uteruses Doctor cracks up comma what’s the stomach got to do
with the womb Doctor I’m so used to my pains I think of them as
my babies If the pains are born in this stomach then I don’t
want to have a stomach ooooy aaaaay my hand BenGay
Ziba where did you put the BenGay Get rid of the mountain of
papers on your desk and you’ll see it aaay I found it
Ziba BenGay is awesome aaaay I’m feeling funny I
never thought I’d be aroused touching my own left arm You
should buy this gel for the nights you hate me Make sure you
don’t use it internally not in the front and not in your
behind Ziba yells at me It breaks my heart when she
yells She is yelling at me You low-life comma you sleazeball
don’t write these things down Okay okay Ziba I’ll put you out
of my mind I’ll put every woman out of my mind but first let me
write this paragraph Ziba rubbing BenGay on your skin is like
having a drag of a More cigarette You know how it chills your
mouth exclamation mark look at my thin long arm as if it is
only a piece of bone hanging It’s not like your firm tits or
your soft curvy thighs or your plump calves Ziba on those
nights you don’t want me think of me as a tube of BenGay put
some in the palms of your hands and rub it on your chest your
stomach your bum Make sure the salve doesn’t get in Enough
enough asshole Yessir yessir Ziba don’t yell Help me
Doctor this pain is killing me Doctor says how long have you
been having the pain It’s been a long time Doctor It’s not
a pain It’s piercing into the bone of my left arm
Like like shrapnel Ziba says have you been hit by
shrapnel No but Doctor’s sun-burned face comma his cropped hair
and his salt and pepper mustache comma his untimely aging comma like
snow in the middle of autumn What’s more his left hand seems
to be limp Doctor it’s as if a piece of shrapnel’s stuck in the
bone in my arm when I move my hand it hurts How do you know how
it feels if you’ve never been hit by it Doctor says have you
been hit by shrapnel question mark No but Ziba I
have a feeling our Doctor was hit by shrapnel in his left arm during
the war eight years ago He was probably assigned to one of the
MASH Units right behind the front lines They sent him a
wireless and said Doctor for the sake of the Innocent Imam Hosein
it’s the Karbala Unit calling The kids of Zahra Unit have been
shredded to pieces under enemy fire Our Doctor left the
hospital in the nurse’s hands and jumped in the Jeep and rushed to
the front Are you listening to me Ziba It’s not only this
Doctor Ziba I have a feeling that everyone I see is a war
hero Ziba forget his white uniform for one second forget him
sitting behind his desk Imagine that mud-splattered patrol in
the heart of the desert under the burning sun That’s shrapnel
exploding all around him It’s not so simple Ziba It’s
blistering hot inside his Jeep His heart is pounding inside its
cage his throat is dry Look how sweat glistens on his forehead
and on the sides of his neck Do you see Ziba Yeah I see
your gibberish handwriting Don’t tease me Ziba Well comma
yes darling I see Oh god I am dying of joy Ziba hugs me
caresses me kisses me Alright now that you can picture it
listen to this Our Doctor was muttering panting his mouth open
his fearful eyes darting his leery heart pounding violently He
was thinking dot dot dot what a fool I am what a fool I am But
Ziba there is another voice that can not be heard can not be
distinguished This voice says nothing it is not there at all
but even so it’s all he can think of Ziba our Doctor is
determined to go forth You must believe him No let’s
believe him together You know our war was full of
sentimentalities Doctor says how did you get to war stories
from the pain in your hand Ziba says good for you You
would never think of writing anything of the sort Let me tell
you the rest of it Doctor I am not concerned with you rushing
to the front line comma what I am getting at is my own pain I
am going to illustrate the pain so you see it clearly and get to the
bottom of it When you reached to the front Doctor you saw that
it was hell on earth Dust and smoke and fire and guys like me
fallen helter skelter in the trenches on the hillsides all over the
place I know you wished you had no sense of
responsibility and could sit down and cry as hard as you wanted
Ziba kiss me please hug me lower your face onto my head while you
stand behind my chair I can’t bear to imagine these scenes You
froze where you were for a few seconds then you clutched your
medical bag and ran In the midst of the guns and bombs and tanks
and blasts you could still could hear the whimpering and
sobbing But how could you know which one of those bodies was
crying You checked them all one by one The first
one looked safe and sound staring at you When you turned
him over you saw the back of his head wasn’t there something had
spilled on the ground didn’t look like the kind of brains we buy at
the butcher shop and not like the blood covering the floors of
slaughterhouses Doctor you went out of your mind looking at
the hole in his skull This corpse can not be compared to
livestock Doctor This is a person Doctor says you’re
right exclamation mark Even on the autopsy table people
don’t look like what you’re saying I am not saying it
It’s the war talking Now forget this talk don’t you
hear the whimpering Hurry up Doctor went to the next
one This one too had fallen on his back eyes shut mouth open
and gasping but he had no strength to make the slightest
noise His right hand was pressed over his stomach blood was
gurgling out between his fingers Doctor pulled the hand
away and the soldier’s innards spilt out Oh god What
happened Where are you going Ziba Doctor why
are you crying Ziba looks pale her lips quiver Her
neck and the ends of her hair is wet from the water I splashed on
her face Here Doctor This is a clean handkerchief
You can use it Wipe your tears Doctor Ziba puked when she
looked at the scene You don’t you feel like throwing
up Doctor Doctor says at such times one has no time to
puke At such times one wishes to grab the globe and throw
it hard at the sun Ziba lets out a long Ooooh
and sobs and in the midst of crying she says if you had been
there Excuse me for one moment Doctor I hug
Ziba and kiss her over and over Doctor felt suddenly
weak His hand fell open and his medical bag fell right beside
the innards Ziba says crying you’re seeing a Doctor for
the pain in your hand now what is this you’re talking about
Doctor have you ever again felt your breath burning as hot as it did
then question mark Have you ever again cried words out of
your chest with no particular meaning with no particular reason
question mark Doctor gives me back my handkerchief and
says what does that have to do with the pain in your hand
I scream a lot Doctor Isn’t that right Ziba
When the pain is too much to bear and the booze is not helping I
scream Doctor Tell him Ziba Doctor these screams
are the best painkillers I’ve ever used Ziba wipes her
tears with the back of her hand She says yes comma for
these painkillers of yours I must suck up to every living soul in
the neighbourhood and tell them sorry sorry he is
sick Doctor says poor Missus Ziba comma the things
she goes through for you question mark question mark You
fainted and after a little while Doctor you came to All
your muscles were tensed Your eyes had popped open and
your jaw was locked You looked around for something
anything You went for the gun that was on the
embankment Ziba says for god’s sake stop it don’t write
these things down The pain in my hand is fading You
cocked the hammer and then you shrieked First you only
shrieked But when you started running up the embankment you
cried God is the Greatest God is the Greatest Doctor
you were crying God is the Greatest do you remember question
mark Ziba Doctor ran down the other side of the
embankment He even forgot to put the gun on
automatic He only pulled the trigger five or maybe six
times Then the horrible sound of a blast and then dust all over
and Doctor hit the ground and then a terrible burning spread down
his left arm Ziba is about to begin crying and she
whimpers he died No Ziba I was with him We are
talking about some eight years ago Your eyes Doctor
were heavy from the smoke and you cried only once God is the
Greatest Ziba Doctor can not do anything for my hand this pain I
swear to god will be the death of me Doctor says have you
been in the war Are you shell-shocked or something
No Doctor I am too young to have been in that war
Ziba says he probably thinks you lost someone in the war
Well he said it too Ziba I say Doctor I don’t have anything
to lose in a war Doctor not even myself Ziba says
idiot you don’t even know how to talk Doctor
only sighs He says do you want a prescription Do you
want a repeat on the old one anti-depressant Exazpam
with aluminium LG or something like that I say they don’t
help me Doctor Ziba yells at me how the hell do you know they
don’t help you fart Ziba not in front of Doctor comma
watch your language Doctor says cut down on the smoking and
booze as much as you can and don’t think too
much Ziba Doctor is not telling us anything we don’t
already know Let’s not play Doctor and stuff This
pain is mine nothing cures it I pull on Ziba’s red tank
top and there stands Ziba in only her blue shorts and her white
bra I push my head into her bra onto her big firm
breasts Ziba presses my head down and plays with my hair
pants whispers let me take these off I press my tongue
between her tits and pull myself up Ziba takes a long breath
and leans on her left hand and throws her head back Her
right hand is behind my head pressing it to her chest
When my tongue slides up her neck and reaches her chin she lowers
her face to my face comma breath to breath She is pushing
my head so my lower lip falls in her mouth I say Ziba if
I was like the first guy at the front your hand would sink in my
skull now Ziba screams and jumps back and cowers in the
corner Doctor Ziba with her bra and her shorts is bent over in
the corner her head covered her hands pressed on her knees she
whimpers so quietly Whatever I do she doesn’t let me
near her My hand hurts so much more what can I do Doctor
question mark Doctor yells at me why did you have to
say such thing I didn’t mean anything bad Doctor
comma Give me back my Ziba Doctor You
know how she is feeling now Doctor yells at
me I know Doctor A woman bearing the heavy weight of
a man’s bare body Under pressure comma pressure of pleasure
comma women are not like men Their lovemaking is all
climax All of a sudden her hand sinks into his empty sticky
skull dot dot dot I know it was my fault
Doctor But maybe the guy whose skull was gutted had a
Ziba like my Ziba Maybe after all these years now his Ziba
sleeps with another man In the middle of the night her nude
body under the weight of the man’s nude body She puts her
hand in his hair and presses him to her to get more pleasure
Then suddenly she thinks for one second about the gutted
skull Doctor Doctor yells at me why are you
raving like that Another woman maybe it’s
none of your business Doctor I know Doctor dot dot
dot I don’t know why I am embarrassed to say the things I
want to say Right when Ziba matters most right when I am
pressing her to me this home becomes a mound of rubble full of
flying bullets Ziba jumps from the corner and hugs me
crying Her lips on mine she says again and again don’t say
it I won’t say it Yes don’t say it Then she
takes off her bra cups her breasts and kneels in front
of me Crying hard her eyes swollen from crying she says
come I am all yours Think of only me See only me
I must see only Ziba I must feel only the joy of her naked
body But Doctor when my head slowly sinks in the mound
of her breasts the house becomes one of those ruined houses in the
war zone Ziba becomes a girl with no clothes passed out on a
heap of bricks and iron columns The stunning bulging
breasts become a bloodied hole pierced with a spear head
Doctor grasps my hand in his He hugs me He begs
me Doctor says Ziba is a beautiful girl The most
beautiful girl I’ve ever seen No man can ever have such
pleasure as you have Enjoy your life with her This
life is yours to enjoy I stare into her eyes now so much
more beautiful filled with tears I open the buttons on
her shorts Like children who have been crying for hours
her breathing hitches She holds on to my shoulders and
gently pushes me down on the ground And just the way I like
it she pulls with effort her shorts and her underwear off because
she is a bit chubby down there Then she lies by my side and
hugs me and turns towards me She pulls me up
Doctor is right no other man has felt a breath as hot as Ziba’s
fragrant panting No other man can feel smoothness and
firmness like I do when she caresses all over my body No
man’s backbone feels the cool pleasure like I do when Ziba wraps her
legs ’round my waist and presses hard Ziba is getting out of
hand She is not panting she is calling out She
has reached there is waiting for me so she can have her
orgasm So she can give herself to my kisses and float in the
space between sleep and wakefulness But Doctor in that
ruined house how many more like my dick have been in that hole where
mine is now Doctor you don’t know This hole in Ziba’s
body which is now the source of all the pleasures in the world was
once on that day in the rubble the most painful spot in the
world Doctor Ziba died of those pains of those
pleasures Ziba is bawling She is hugging me from
behind and resting her head on my shoulder What do you
think Doctor Is she crying because I have left her without making
her come or because of that pain I was talking
about Doctor says it’s neither of them He
says it’s because of the pain in your hand which makes you scream
like that Doctor would you do me a
favour I can’t do it myself The pain
in my hand is not important comma forget about it But I
can only survive if I am so drunk I confuse the walls with the
ceilings Doctor I want to drink morning til night night til
morning comma I have no other choice You tell Ziba she
can go under the bridge at the terminal and do what she said she’d
do And again like all other nights Ziba dragged her
beautiful bare body to the fridge and stepped on her own tears
fallen on the ground She got out the bottle of
booze and Here Doctor Let’s have a few
together Doctor says how is your hand
Not very good Doctor comma doesn’t matter Doctor says eat a
lot of food when you drink and don’t drink too much
Only enough to help you sleep Ziba with her face full
of laughter I don’t know how she knows that the red of the
tank top and the blue of the shorts she is wearing is the color of
laughter question mark She presses her face full of
laughter to my face and says to Doctor if he doesn’t do what you’ve
told him I swear I’ll fuck him up Doctor and whispers in my ear
I’ll go under the bridge at the terminal and give it to anyone who
passes by My heart stops It’s so much like
her She might really get up and do it Ziba breaks out
laughing Doctor laughs quietly I lift my glass
and promise to do nothing to make Ziba get mad at me and do what she
said she’d do Here is to Ziba’s health Doctor full stop
|
